Sarah, I read your story The Man, The Moon. I had also read this moon origin story and liked that the moral at the end was kind of "get what you get". It is interesting that you and I read the stories so differently, and I think that that really says something about literature. Two people can read exactly the same thing and get completely different things out of it! I am glad that I read your story, because I would never have found compassion for the man as you have. The woman of your version was interesting. I think that as you work on this story in the future, it would be good to focus on her. At the end she says "we have tried to find the perfect version of you". You might delve into who "we" is, as this could make your tale even more mystical. Also, I was wondering why she felt tired at the end, because it didn't seem to go along with how she was depicted in her younger forms. Is she tired because she is old? If so, I would suggest noting her old facial features, but still keeping her strength of character. If she is tired for another reason, such as having an exhausting, magical job, I think that it would be important to explain this so that her character stays consistent throughout. Good job on this!
Hey Sarah! I also read that story and liked it a lot. Being thankful for what you have is incredibly important and I think this story has a lot of value to it. I would suggest touching up a bit on the design of your website such as adding more pictures, centering them, and maybe just spicing the intro page up a bit! It will be the first thing that people see, so you really are going to want to use it as an interface to catch the eye of those looking to give feedback on your work! Same with the stories section of your portfolio, I think it could use spiced up a bit. Maybe have people click on pictures to send them to the story rather than basic links to make them a bit more attractive? Overall I love the design and the first picture that I saw made your portfolio feel very "homey" :) Keep up the good work!
Hey Sarah! I liked your version of this story SO much better than the original! I loved that you made the man grateful for all the changing the woman, in this case, did for him! I also like that you made her try to solve his problem and the care with which she decided what to turn him into at the end was awesome and very well written! Great job! I think your blog could use a bit more color so I'd try messing around with some backgrounds and stuff but I love the big picture of the moon on your story! It's gorgeous!! Also, totally random but could you add "The Legend" to the end of your title so it reads "The Man, the Moon, the Legend"?? That would make me so happy!!
Your cover page header is really nice and aesthetically pleasing! I don't know if I would mention any specific stories on your cover page though. I feel like it might look better if you gave a brief overview of any intended tone you might have or just a general theme of your stories or something like that. You definitely don't have to put that in right now, that could totally wait till later when you have more stories under your belt! Just a thought!
Hi Sarah! I really like your image in your story! I love how you changed the story and gave it a more meaningful message. It was a great idea to start off with describing the blacksmith as a humble man. It was creative how you had the wise woman age over time to show how time had passed as the main character changed forms. You did a great job of changing my perspective of the story because I originally disliked the main character for complaining so much and the wise man for constantly changing him into something else until he eventually abandoned him. Your dialogue is also very descriptive and makes it easy to read along. I feel like it would be awesome if you put one or two sentences at the very end of your story to recap what the main message of the story is because I really like the meaning you put into your story that you explained in your author’s note.
Hi Sarah! Your rendition of "The Man, The Moon" was very touching and had a great moral to the story at the end. I have read the original story as well and got the same vibe that you did, in that the wise man did not seem to care much for the indecisive man. I wonder how the woman got her mystical powers and how she can change the man from flesh to stone to the sun and finally to the moon. She is a special character that appeared from out of nowhere, so I wonder what her origins were. The content on your site is great, but what if you changed the theme you have? Right now it's very white and doesn't appeal to the readers eye very well. Maybe you can mess around with the theme, background, colors, etc. Although the stories are what keep the readers engaged, the layout and theme are what attracts the readers.
Hi Sarah! First off, the title is fantastic, as well as the image you used. Both together really captured my attention. I really enjoyed the dialog in the story. It gave the story more depth and character. This story really struck a cord with me as I'm sure it will with many of the readers, as we are all trying to find out what to do in life and who to be. Perhaps a little more of a description of the woman in the story would help me to picture her better. While the mystery and vagueness is why this story is so interesting to read, maybe if a little more background information was provided at the beginning of the story could benefit the story as a whole. However, as it is, I really enjoyed it as it leaves it up to my imagination to fill in the how and the why of it. Also, the site could stand to have some atheistic changes to really draw in the reader. However the design for this story was great! Great story!
• Sarah, I enjoyed your story The Man, The Moon. I had not read the original so I was not familiar with the other version. The man seemed to learn as he changed from form to form to find new things he liked and wanted to be. I liked the character of the women. He seemed so happy and genuine. I was curious about her story. She was kind to the man even though he was never happy with what she changed him into. I was also curious on why she aged? She is magical but it isn’t really explained how or what she is that makes her magical. I also enjoyed the moral of the story of “trying to find the best version of yourself by adding positive characteristics as you travel through life.” I think this would be great to tie into the end of the story as a line. Great story!
I really like this story! I have read the source story, and I always enjoy reading a retelling. I think the way you added a new emotion to the story was really cool! Compassion is something that was definitely lacking in the original, and I like the changes that you made. What if the blacksmith wanted to change back to his original self again? Would the wise woman comply with his wishes? I think the way the story shaped out was great! This is only a thought that I had. I also really liked the image that you used! If you can add a background image to the text I think that would make it look even neater! Overall, I think you a did a fantastic job with this story! I wish you the best in the coming weeks, and I am excited to see what you will create for the rest of your portfolio!
First off, your portfolio lay out is stellar! I like that you incorporated a picture of the moon on your front page to allude to your story! The cover image of your story also captures the readers eye!
You story was fantastic! I loved the wording you used for the dialogue! I wonder if you added the thoughts of the man who become the moon at the end, what they would add to your story? It leaves us hanging, wondering if the man likes being the moon, or if he is still not content?
I look forward to reading your future stories! Keep up the great work!
I ready your The Man, The Moon story and loved it. Your portfolio lay out is amazing. You used amazing photos in your story. I like how you made the blacksmith grateful to all the transformations that woman gave him. I can understand his boredom and wanting to work even a little bit while he was a mountain. I am curious if he was satisfied being the Moon or if you think the woman will transform him later on in your story should it continue. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hi! First off thank you for making it so easy to get from your comment wall to your portfolio. I also really like the theme of your portfolio! I like how your story unlike most had a moral that went a long with it. You did a really nice job making the story flow well together and use dialogue to help the reader better understand the story.
Hi Sarah! Great story! First off, your page looks really good! especially the background image you chose your this story! I really liked the interaction between Set, Ra and Isis. The idea of trying to kill the one person who can save himself is a classic one and a nice addition to this story. Although how is it possible for snake venom to kill a god like Ra? Maybe a little more explanation would be good to explain this rather than just saying it is magical. Also I am curious as to who's perspective is the story being told? I may just be missing something there but I'd like to know who the main character is and how they are able to confront the gods. Perhaps a little more background detail on who the main character is would help give the story more depth. Overall this was a really cool story! Looking forward to reading more about it!
Hey Sarah! Let me first say that I really like the look of your portfolio site. I like the change in colors as well as images when switching from one story to another. The dark color and image of the moon in the first story helps set the scene for "The Man, The Moon" and the lighter green color as well as the image really tie together the second story, "Isis and the Secret Name." I Liked that you did your own thing with both stories. Your descriptions are wonderful and your story flows well - the pacing is what caught my attention, to begin with. I was also very excited about reading another interpretation of "The Secret Name of Ra" because I used it for my storytelling as well. Combining it with "The Death of Osiris" works really well, I like the idea of Isis being a more sympathetic character. As far as revising goes, I would suggest taking a look at your dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to make a story richer but sometimes it seems forced or too formal. That being said, it could also be what you are going for but it is something to keep in mind while you are revising. Good work!
Hello Sarah. Your first story was very well written. I enjoyed that you had the blacksmith have compassion for the woman that was doing what she could to help him find purpose in life. Thes design of the page sets the tone for the outcome of the story. Good choice of font as it made it a lot easier to read than some I have come across. One thing that would have really made the ending even better would be to add what happened to the old woman. Did she turn into the stars or simply disappear? Maybe some kind of backstory on who she was. Other than that maybe change the background color from black to a dark blue or purple to give a little more contrast. The night sky isn't black so it could give it that type of feeling. Great job with what you have. Looking forward to the next one.
Hey Sarah! I really enjoyed the introduction of your portfolio along with the pictures and way you described what your portfolio was. In you first story “The Man, The Moon” I really enjoyed how well you kept a pattern. I think the way that you had the woman coming back and described her aging and the process of everything flowed well. I wonder if the woman herself was happy with what she did since she was trying to help the blacksmith. I also thought what if you described how hot he got being the sun just to give a more descriptive view on such drastic change. I also really enjoyed your second story and really couldn’t think of anything for you to change. I felt that you did a great job describing things and used dialogue extremely well to convene different messages. I also enjoyed the pictures you used for this story. Overall your portfolio is really coming together well.
Hello Sarah! I really like your project so far. Everything is really visually appealing and well organized. One thing that I really enjoyed about your introduction page was that there were a lot of pictures. This really helps get the reader even more in the zone to read your story. Your first story was also really great! I loved reading your take on the southeast Asian story. Overall, the wording is easy to follow and very descriptive so as a reader it’s easy to follow along and picture exactly what you are talking about. The second story was also really great. I think that the added dialogue to your stories really spices things up and helps the reader get to know each character a little more. Anyways keep up the great work and I can't wait to check back in later!
Hello Sarah! I love your man in the moon story. The original always bugged me. The wise man always seemed a little spiteful at the end. I like how you had it be a girl growing into a woman, and had her figure out exactly what would suit the blacksmith. I am wondering though, how did the girl get her powers? Your story about Isis is a wonderful combination of the Egyptian myths. Her motives and plans are clear, and she is motivated against evil. You did a great job seamlessly blending the stories. I hope that you continue with the story of how they bring Osiris back to life.
Hey there Sarah. I just got done reading your stories starting with the "The Man, The Moon" story. I did not happen to read the original version of the story but still I think was able to get the meaning from it. I was somewhat confused for a little while as to what the blacksmith was doing because I thought they were people that made meatal things but then got it when you spoke about stone cutting. I then read the next story, "Isis and the Secret Name". I thought that your idea of merging the two stories, as you had discussed in your Authors notes section was a tremendous idea. The two stories go together great as you thought they would. Finally, I read the last story you have posted "Allora's Journal". I thought the way you made the story was innovative and different. It was kind of tough to read but still a good and different way of creating a story. Good Job!
The homepage of your portfolio is very colorful and inviting due to the pictures that you’ve included. I read your first story about the moon before and I remember liking it even then. To use your words, I think you found the best version of this story. Your author’s note does a nice job of explaining what and why you changed things from the original. In your second story, I noticed that you were capitalizing the word “god.” I believe this is only capitalized for the Judeo-Christian, monotheistic god. I think it’s because that’s his name, or at least what we call him. For Greek gods or Egyptian gods, it should be lowercase. I like how you combined two stories together! I would have never thought of that. I wish you had placed your picture of the Isis dancer higher. I almost missed it there at the bottom. I like that the last story is in journal form. This is a unique style for sure. I know that the protagonist is a teen and doesn’t want to be writing this down but I still felt like a lot of details got brushed over. I felt like I was lacking character developments. Also, what if Alora got the dream about her sister after she had already left? If she knew she had these abilities, why would she have not been more concerned for her sister when she was planning to go out on a dangerous mission? The idea and setting are interesting and creative. Very nice job and I look forward to seeing what more you do with this! Sorry for the long comment :)
Sarah, since I had already read your story, The Man, The Moon, I read your second and third stories this week. I really liked Isis and the Secret Name. I had read a different classmate's version of this tale, and it was interesting to see how one story could lead to two very different interpretations. You do a great job of depicting Isis as a strong and independent woman. I love that she is willing to take matters into her own hands, and the bit at the end about bringing Osiris back to life was smart. This way, the reader feels a little less sad that Isis loses Osiris and is hopeful that they will be together again one day. I also like the setup of Alora's journal. Writing from the perspective of a girl and her journal is a great way for the reader to understand the writer's thoughts. Good job on this!
Let me first start out by saying how much I enjoyed your collection of stories. I liked how each page and story had its own layout and visual theme. It really helps the reader understand the story on a new level. Your first story The Man,The Moon, was familiar but still enjoyable. This is a story that could easily go flat after hearing it told several times, but you found a way to keep life in the story. Your second story Isis and the Secrete Name, was a new story to me. I loved the way you told the story from a strong female perspective. The main character was so confident, which made the story more and more enjoyable. Your final story Alora’s Journal, was set up in an interesting way. I feel that the way the story read as a diary limited your story telling abilities. But it also allowed you to explore a different story telling technique. Overall you did a wonderful job.
Hi Sarah! Your portfolio looks great and your site design is really clean. I loved how thoughtfully you tied your first story together — your characters were much more gracious than in the original, and I love that the wise woman truly wants to transform the stonecutter into the best version of himself. My only suggestion for that story would be to split the characters' dialogue into its own paragraphs to set it apart from the rest of the story. On your second story, I love how you tell the tale from Isis' perspective, and how utterly villainous you made Set! Your combination of two pieces of folklore is really smooth and creates a more dynamic character in Isis. I think your third story is also really creative — you made some huge changes to the story structure but really improved it. One thing I noticed throughout the stories were a few capitalization and punctuation errors, but those could be fixed easily with a little more proofreading. Otherwise, I loved your storytelling and reading your work — great job!
Hello Sarah, I really enjoyed reading your three stories! I had already read the first story a while back but I came back to your page curious to see what else you had written about and I enjoyed the new stories! The story Isis and the Secret Name caught me off guard by the title but the story was way different then I envisioned. I thought the viper killing the fox idea was brilliant. The only thing I would maybe change about the story is talking a little more about Osiris and the different work he did for his people. Alora’s Journal was quite interesting to me. It’s a different style and I thought the different journal entries tied in well together and almost made me feel as if I was there. The picture you chose for this story was very pretty and the layout for each story was very cool. Great stories!
Hey, Sarah! Wow! Your website looks phenomenal. I was blown away not just by the stories - and their variety of storytelling techniques - but especially by the quality and aesthetic appeal of your images. You use multiple images per story, and these provide exciting visuals that really enhance the effect of your site. Regarding your story of the blacksmith and the moon, I had actually read this story several weeks ago while reading the websites of others. However, I was able to visualize it with a fresh perspective because of the images that you provided. (I think my favorite image out of all of them was the image at the bottom of Alora’s journal. It reminded me of something from the movie Avatar.) Your second story had some intense themes of love and revenge. At the end, you leave us with a cliffhanger! Is this meant to just increase the level of intensity? Or will there actually be another story at a later point on your website that will answer the questions of the audience? One other thing I will add is about the structure of Alora’s journal. I like the journal storytelling technique, as it allows the audience to adopt the perspective of the author. There was one paragraph towards the end that was pretty long. I understand that you probably did this to reenact the effect of a true journal entry - perhaps you could look at ways to rearrange this in order to make it easier for the reader to follow? Maybe you could split it up into several smaller paragraphs under the same date. Just a thought! As a whole, I loved the site and could tell that you have put a lot of time into this. Great work!
Hi Sarah, Your idea to put a picture for each story on your home page makes it look quite nice and colorful. I quite enjoyed your version of the blacksmith's story. It makes him seem less discontent, and more at the mercy of the woman. Perhaps you could give us some hints as to her identity? What a great idea to connect the stories about Isis! One small point - why did you capitalize god? I was thinking polytheistic gods were usually miniscule, and monotheistic ones were majuscule. I also like your changes to the story from Congo, as when I read it I thought it rather unfair that he chose a favorite wife. Alora's writing seemed rougher than your other stories, but I am assuming that was on purpose. The pictures for all your stories are lovely, but I particularly enjoyed the ones for this one, as they really helped set the stage.
Hi Sarah! I really liked your version of the Blacksmith's story. WHen I read the original story, it was a little obnoxious how the blacksmith was never happy with any of his positions. Changing his story to make him grateful makes the story a lot more enjoyable. I also like how you gave the woman a larger role in the story. Your story Isis and the secret name is so good. I really loved it and you did a great job combining two stories to give the perspective you wanted! I also like how the you made it more moder. I mean, the setting was the same, but the dialogue was more modern. This suited the story very well. I also like how the story ended. Will there be another one? In your last story, I love how it is in a journal/diary form. This really adds to the story. All of your stories are so good! I cannot wait to see how the project looks done! Great job!
I just read your story “The Man, The Moon” and I loved it! I really liked the changes you made from the original as outlined in your author’s note. I think making the woman and the blacksmith work together to find something that suited him was a nice interpretation because it is a good metaphor for life. As the blacksmith went through his life he wanted to try different things and some of those things did not suit him but he still took something away from that experience and learned something from it. I also liked that the old woman had compassion and wanted to help him find his “true calling” and she wasn’t just turning him in to different things as a way to punish him for being ungrateful. It was also refreshing that the blacksmith was grateful for all of his different experiences even though he really did not like some of them. In the end, all of his life experiences came together to put him onto the path of his true calling. Great job!
Hey Sarah! I really like "The Man, the Moon" I also read the story and was bothered by the same things you said in your Author's note. I didn't see any typos or inconsistencies. It was great! I also like how you were able to make Isis into a strong dynamic character in "Isis and the Secret Name." It's a good story, and the only comment I have is that the dialogue that Ra says feels very formal for someone who is dying in agony. Finally, in "Alora's Journal" I love that you chose the girls names to emphasize their talents and made the story about them instead of about a man. I didn't see anything wrong with it! I do think it would be cool, if you are still revising this last one, if we got to learn more about the monsters that captured Artemis. I’m assuming they’re spiders, but is there anything more to them than that? These are awesome!
Hey Sarah, I really love all your pieces you have chosen for your project. I really enjoyed the piece called “Alora’s Journal”. I felt like it was personal and really drew the reader in. I think that by breaking it up and making it a journal entry, the reader is able to break down the piece better and get all the information and details that are offered. I think the picture you chose was so beautiful ad really helped bring the story to life. I think clearing up your authors note could be a little more useful to help the reader understand the original story a bit better. You did great at the beginning but then toward the end I was struggling to connect all the pieces. Overall you did a great job and I am excited to read more throughout the rest of the semester. Keep writing as much as you can!
I was enamored by all your pieces, but I have to say, your story about Isis is the one that really drew me in! I'm a big fan of mythology, especially Greek and Egyptian, so it was nice to see someone write about the topic!
Here are my comments: - I really like the fact that you chose to write the story from the POV of Isis, as it connects the reader to the narrator and provides a personal connection to the protagonist. - The dialogue was good, and believable for the characters and the time period that the story was set. However, Ra's dialogue seems a little too formal for someone who is supposed to be dying. - I wish there was a little bit more description, though I know this is hard with the word constraint.
Great job on the other stories as well! I look forward to coming back to this Storybook at the end of the semester to see the completed product!
Hi Sarah! The way you set up your portfolio is great! It was so easy to navigate! I also liked the pictures and backgrounds you used for each story because they fit the story really well. Your version of "The Man in the Moon" is probably my favorite version of the story. It always bugged me that the man was left as the moon even though he wasn't happy with it. I liked how the woman and him worked together to find the man just the right place in the world for him. The changes you made, made this story feel like a real myth to me. I also read the Egyptian gods and goddesses unit and again I think the changes you made were great! I liked that you gave Isis an actual motive for getting the secret name. I also liked how you told the love story between her and Osiris from her point of view. Great job!
Hi Sarah! First, I like the pictures and colors you've chosen for your Storybook. Each page is well-suited for the story it contains, which makes the Storybook fun to look at. I really enjoyed "Isis and the Secret Name." You did a good job keeping the plot moving while also describing Isis's emotions and thoughts. I like reading stories that combine multiple source stories, and you did a great job with this one! I was really impressed by the way that you were able to imagine one story as motivation for the other. That is really creative and satisfying for the reader. I also liked "This Is Ever After." You did a nice job reminding us that we were reading a fairytale by including many interactions between the two parents and their daughter. I did get a bit confused when the husband joined in, describing the man on the horse as very handsome. There were quotation marks at the end of that sentence, but not at the beginning, so I wasn't sure where the speaker changed from Ella to August. So, maybe you could add quotation marks and make a new paragraph where he speaks. I really enjoyed reading your stories!
I read your Portfolio about two weeks ago but luckily you have a new story for me to read! This is Ever After was super cute and reminded me of something from Disney. Actually what it really reminded me of was this animated movie that came out a while ago called "Happily N'ever After" that was based on Cinderella. Except she marries a commoner in that movie not a prince and there are a few other differences. I loved the dialogue between the family and the little interjections made throughout the story. It was a little confusing to tell when August was the narrator and when it was Ella. It would have also been nice to maybe have the story in italics just to differentiate when it was the regular story and when it was the story being told to Amelia. Other than that it was a really nice and easy read! Great job and congrats on finishing your Portfolio!
I really enjoyed your portfolio and I loved "This Is Ever After". It reminded me of an original fairy tale that we would of heard growing up as kids. I loved the fact that you made it to where a mom was telling her daughter a bed time story. It just added a different element to the whole thing that really made it interesting to read. I got a bit confused when you mentioned that the husband was telling the story at one point. I didn't understand who was telling the story then but that for me is the only thing you needed to change up. Im glad you are done with your portfolio and hope you had a good semester!
Sarah, I read your story The Man, The Moon. I had also read this moon origin story and liked that the moral at the end was kind of "get what you get". It is interesting that you and I read the stories so differently, and I think that that really says something about literature. Two people can read exactly the same thing and get completely different things out of it! I am glad that I read your story, because I would never have found compassion for the man as you have. The woman of your version was interesting. I think that as you work on this story in the future, it would be good to focus on her. At the end she says "we have tried to find the perfect version of you". You might delve into who "we" is, as this could make your tale even more mystical. Also, I was wondering why she felt tired at the end, because it didn't seem to go along with how she was depicted in her younger forms. Is she tired because she is old? If so, I would suggest noting her old facial features, but still keeping her strength of character. If she is tired for another reason, such as having an exhausting, magical job, I think that it would be important to explain this so that her character stays consistent throughout. Good job on this!
ReplyDeleteHey Sarah! I also read that story and liked it a lot. Being thankful for what you have is incredibly important and I think this story has a lot of value to it. I would suggest touching up a bit on the design of your website such as adding more pictures, centering them, and maybe just spicing the intro page up a bit! It will be the first thing that people see, so you really are going to want to use it as an interface to catch the eye of those looking to give feedback on your work!
ReplyDeleteSame with the stories section of your portfolio, I think it could use spiced up a bit. Maybe have people click on pictures to send them to the story rather than basic links to make them a bit more attractive?
Overall I love the design and the first picture that I saw made your portfolio feel very "homey" :) Keep up the good work!
Hey Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI liked your version of this story SO much better than the original! I loved that you made the man grateful for all the changing the woman, in this case, did for him! I also like that you made her try to solve his problem and the care with which she decided what to turn him into at the end was awesome and very well written! Great job! I think your blog could use a bit more color so I'd try messing around with some backgrounds and stuff but I love the big picture of the moon on your story! It's gorgeous!!
Also, totally random but could you add "The Legend" to the end of your title so it reads "The Man, the Moon, the Legend"?? That would make me so happy!!
Your cover page header is really nice and aesthetically pleasing!
I don't know if I would mention any specific stories on your cover page though. I feel like it might look better if you gave a brief overview of any intended tone you might have or just a general theme of your stories or something like that. You definitely don't have to put that in right now, that could totally wait till later when you have more stories under your belt! Just a thought!
Hi Sarah! I really like your image in your story! I love how you changed the story and gave it a more meaningful message. It was a great idea to start off with describing the blacksmith as a humble man. It was creative how you had the wise woman age over time to show how time had passed as the main character changed forms. You did a great job of changing my perspective of the story because I originally disliked the main character for complaining so much and the wise man for constantly changing him into something else until he eventually abandoned him. Your dialogue is also very descriptive and makes it easy to read along. I feel like it would be awesome if you put one or two sentences at the very end of your story to recap what the main message of the story is because I really like the meaning you put into your story that you explained in your author’s note.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteYour rendition of "The Man, The Moon" was very touching and had a great moral to the story at the end. I have read the original story as well and got the same vibe that you did, in that the wise man did not seem to care much for the indecisive man. I wonder how the woman got her mystical powers and how she can change the man from flesh to stone to the sun and finally to the moon. She is a special character that appeared from out of nowhere, so I wonder what her origins were. The content on your site is great, but what if you changed the theme you have? Right now it's very white and doesn't appeal to the readers eye very well. Maybe you can mess around with the theme, background, colors, etc. Although the stories are what keep the readers engaged, the layout and theme are what attracts the readers.
Hi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, the title is fantastic, as well as the image you used. Both together really captured my attention. I really enjoyed the dialog in the story. It gave the story more depth and character. This story really struck a cord with me as I'm sure it will with many of the readers, as we are all trying to find out what to do in life and who to be. Perhaps a little more of a description of the woman in the story would help me to picture her better. While the mystery and vagueness is why this story is so interesting to read, maybe if a little more background information was provided at the beginning of the story could benefit the story as a whole. However, as it is, I really enjoyed it as it leaves it up to my imagination to fill in the how and the why of it. Also, the site could stand to have some atheistic changes to really draw in the reader. However the design for this story was great! Great story!
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ReplyDelete• Sarah, I enjoyed your story The Man, The Moon. I had not read the original so I was not familiar with the other version. The man seemed to learn as he changed from form to form to find new things he liked and wanted to be. I liked the character of the women. He seemed so happy and genuine. I was curious about her story. She was kind to the man even though he was never happy with what she changed him into. I was also curious on why she aged? She is magical but it isn’t really explained how or what she is that makes her magical. I also enjoyed the moral of the story of “trying to find the best version of yourself by adding positive characteristics as you travel through life.” I think this would be great to tie into the end of the story as a line. Great story!
ReplyDeleteHey there Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI really like this story! I have read the source story, and I always enjoy reading a retelling. I think the way you added a new emotion to the story was really cool! Compassion is something that was definitely lacking in the original, and I like the changes that you made. What if the blacksmith wanted to change back to his original self again? Would the wise woman comply with his wishes? I think the way the story shaped out was great! This is only a thought that I had. I also really liked the image that you used! If you can add a background image to the text I think that would make it look even neater! Overall, I think you a did a fantastic job with this story! I wish you the best in the coming weeks, and I am excited to see what you will create for the rest of your portfolio!
Hi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, your portfolio lay out is stellar! I like that you incorporated a picture of the moon on your front page to allude to your story! The cover image of your story also captures the readers eye!
You story was fantastic! I loved the wording you used for the dialogue! I wonder if you added the thoughts of the man who become the moon at the end, what they would add to your story? It leaves us hanging, wondering if the man likes being the moon, or if he is still not content?
I look forward to reading your future stories! Keep up the great work!
Hi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI ready your The Man, The Moon story and loved it. Your portfolio lay out is amazing. You used amazing photos in your story. I like how you made the blacksmith grateful to all the transformations that woman gave him. I can understand his boredom and wanting to work even a little bit while he was a mountain. I am curious if he was satisfied being the Moon or if you think the woman will transform him later on in your story should it continue. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hi! First off thank you for making it so easy to get from your comment wall to your portfolio. I also really like the theme of your portfolio! I like how your story unlike most had a moral that went a long with it. You did a really nice job making the story flow well together and use dialogue to help the reader better understand the story.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteGreat story! First off, your page looks really good! especially the background image you chose your this story! I really liked the interaction between Set, Ra and Isis. The idea of trying to kill the one person who can save himself is a classic one and a nice addition to this story. Although how is it possible for snake venom to kill a god like Ra? Maybe a little more explanation would be good to explain this rather than just saying it is magical. Also I am curious as to who's perspective is the story being told? I may just be missing something there but I'd like to know who the main character is and how they are able to confront the gods. Perhaps a little more background detail on who the main character is would help give the story more depth. Overall this was a really cool story! Looking forward to reading more about it!
Hey Sarah! Let me first say that I really like the look of your portfolio site. I like the change in colors as well as images when switching from one story to another. The dark color and image of the moon in the first story helps set the scene for "The Man, The Moon" and the lighter green color as well as the image really tie together the second story, "Isis and the Secret Name." I Liked that you did your own thing with both stories. Your descriptions are wonderful and your story flows well - the pacing is what caught my attention, to begin with. I was also very excited about reading another interpretation of "The Secret Name of Ra" because I used it for my storytelling as well. Combining it with "The Death of Osiris" works really well, I like the idea of Isis being a more sympathetic character. As far as revising goes, I would suggest taking a look at your dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to make a story richer but sometimes it seems forced or too formal. That being said, it could also be what you are going for but it is something to keep in mind while you are revising. Good work!
ReplyDeleteHello Sarah. Your first story was very well written. I enjoyed that you had the blacksmith have compassion for the woman that was doing what she could to help him find purpose in life. Thes design of the page sets the tone for the outcome of the story. Good choice of font as it made it a lot easier to read than some I have come across. One thing that would have really made the ending even better would be to add what happened to the old woman. Did she turn into the stars or simply disappear? Maybe some kind of backstory on who she was. Other than that maybe change the background color from black to a dark blue or purple to give a little more contrast. The night sky isn't black so it could give it that type of feeling. Great job with what you have. Looking forward to the next one.
ReplyDeleteHey Sarah! I really enjoyed the introduction of your portfolio along with the pictures and way you described what your portfolio was. In you first story “The Man, The Moon” I really enjoyed how well you kept a pattern. I think the way that you had the woman coming back and described her aging and the process of everything flowed well. I wonder if the woman herself was happy with what she did since she was trying to help the blacksmith. I also thought what if you described how hot he got being the sun just to give a more descriptive view on such drastic change. I also really enjoyed your second story and really couldn’t think of anything for you to change. I felt that you did a great job describing things and used dialogue extremely well to convene different messages. I also enjoyed the pictures you used for this story. Overall your portfolio is really coming together well.
ReplyDeleteHello Sarah! I really like your project so far. Everything is really visually appealing and well organized. One thing that I really enjoyed about your introduction page was that there were a lot of pictures. This really helps get the reader even more in the zone to read your story. Your first story was also really great! I loved reading your take on the southeast Asian story. Overall, the wording is easy to follow and very descriptive so as a reader it’s easy to follow along and picture exactly what you are talking about. The second story was also really great. I think that the added dialogue to your stories really spices things up and helps the reader get to know each character a little more. Anyways keep up the great work and I can't wait to check back in later!
ReplyDeleteHello Sarah! I love your man in the moon story. The original always bugged me. The wise man always seemed a little spiteful at the end. I like how you had it be a girl growing into a woman, and had her figure out exactly what would suit the blacksmith. I am wondering though, how did the girl get her powers?
ReplyDeleteYour story about Isis is a wonderful combination of the Egyptian myths. Her motives and plans are clear, and she is motivated against evil. You did a great job seamlessly blending the stories. I hope that you continue with the story of how they bring Osiris back to life.
Hey there Sarah. I just got done reading your stories starting with the "The Man, The Moon" story. I did not happen to read the original version of the story but still I think was able to get the meaning from it. I was somewhat confused for a little while as to what the blacksmith was doing because I thought they were people that made meatal things but then got it when you spoke about stone cutting. I then read the next story, "Isis and the Secret Name". I thought that your idea of merging the two stories, as you had discussed in your Authors notes section was a tremendous idea. The two stories go together great as you thought they would. Finally, I read the last story you have posted "Allora's Journal". I thought the way you made the story was innovative and different. It was kind of tough to read but still a good and different way of creating a story. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThe homepage of your portfolio is very colorful and inviting due to the pictures that you’ve included. I read your first story about the moon before and I remember liking it even then. To use your words, I think you found the best version of this story. Your author’s note does a nice job of explaining what and why you changed things from the original. In your second story, I noticed that you were capitalizing the word “god.” I believe this is only capitalized for the Judeo-Christian, monotheistic god. I think it’s because that’s his name, or at least what we call him. For Greek gods or Egyptian gods, it should be lowercase. I like how you combined two stories together! I would have never thought of that. I wish you had placed your picture of the Isis dancer higher. I almost missed it there at the bottom. I like that the last story is in journal form. This is a unique style for sure. I know that the protagonist is a teen and doesn’t want to be writing this down but I still felt like a lot of details got brushed over. I felt like I was lacking character developments. Also, what if Alora got the dream about her sister after she had already left? If she knew she had these abilities, why would she have not been more concerned for her sister when she was planning to go out on a dangerous mission? The idea and setting are interesting and creative. Very nice job and I look forward to seeing what more you do with this! Sorry for the long comment :)
ReplyDeleteSarah, since I had already read your story, The Man, The Moon, I read your second and third stories this week. I really liked Isis and the Secret Name. I had read a different classmate's version of this tale, and it was interesting to see how one story could lead to two very different interpretations. You do a great job of depicting Isis as a strong and independent woman. I love that she is willing to take matters into her own hands, and the bit at the end about bringing Osiris back to life was smart. This way, the reader feels a little less sad that Isis loses Osiris and is hopeful that they will be together again one day. I also like the setup of Alora's journal. Writing from the perspective of a girl and her journal is a great way for the reader to understand the writer's thoughts. Good job on this!
ReplyDeleteHello Sarah!
ReplyDeleteLet me first start out by saying how much I enjoyed your collection of stories. I liked how each page and story had its own layout and visual theme. It really helps the reader understand the story on a new level. Your first story The Man,The Moon, was familiar but still enjoyable. This is a story that could easily go flat after hearing it told several times, but you found a way to keep life in the story. Your second story Isis and the Secrete Name, was a new story to me. I loved the way you told the story from a strong female perspective. The main character was so confident, which made the story more and more enjoyable. Your final story Alora’s Journal, was set up in an interesting way. I feel that the way the story read as a diary limited your story telling abilities. But it also allowed you to explore a different story telling technique. Overall you did a wonderful job.
Hi Sarah! Your portfolio looks great and your site design is really clean. I loved how thoughtfully you tied your first story together — your characters were much more gracious than in the original, and I love that the wise woman truly wants to transform the stonecutter into the best version of himself. My only suggestion for that story would be to split the characters' dialogue into its own paragraphs to set it apart from the rest of the story. On your second story, I love how you tell the tale from Isis' perspective, and how utterly villainous you made Set! Your combination of two pieces of folklore is really smooth and creates a more dynamic character in Isis. I think your third story is also really creative — you made some huge changes to the story structure but really improved it. One thing I noticed throughout the stories were a few capitalization and punctuation errors, but those could be fixed easily with a little more proofreading. Otherwise, I loved your storytelling and reading your work — great job!
ReplyDeleteHello Sarah, I really enjoyed reading your three stories! I had already read the first story a while back but I came back to your page curious to see what else you had written about and I enjoyed the new stories! The story Isis and the Secret Name caught me off guard by the title but the story was way different then I envisioned. I thought the viper killing the fox idea was brilliant. The only thing I would maybe change about the story is talking a little more about Osiris and the different work he did for his people. Alora’s Journal was quite interesting to me. It’s a different style and I thought the different journal entries tied in well together and almost made me feel as if I was there. The picture you chose for this story was very pretty and the layout for each story was very cool. Great stories!
ReplyDeleteHey, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteWow! Your website looks phenomenal. I was blown away not just by the stories - and their variety of storytelling techniques - but especially by the quality and aesthetic appeal of your images. You use multiple images per story, and these provide exciting visuals that really enhance the effect of your site.
Regarding your story of the blacksmith and the moon, I had actually read this story several weeks ago while reading the websites of others. However, I was able to visualize it with a fresh perspective because of the images that you provided.
(I think my favorite image out of all of them was the image at the bottom of Alora’s journal. It reminded me of something from the movie Avatar.)
Your second story had some intense themes of love and revenge. At the end, you leave us with a cliffhanger! Is this meant to just increase the level of intensity? Or will there actually be another story at a later point on your website that will answer the questions of the audience?
One other thing I will add is about the structure of Alora’s journal. I like the journal storytelling technique, as it allows the audience to adopt the perspective of the author. There was one paragraph towards the end that was pretty long. I understand that you probably did this to reenact the effect of a true journal entry - perhaps you could look at ways to rearrange this in order to make it easier for the reader to follow? Maybe you could split it up into several smaller paragraphs under the same date. Just a thought!
As a whole, I loved the site and could tell that you have put a lot of time into this. Great work!
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteYour idea to put a picture for each story on your home page makes it look quite nice and colorful.
I quite enjoyed your version of the blacksmith's story. It makes him seem less discontent, and more at the mercy of the woman. Perhaps you could give us some hints as to her identity?
What a great idea to connect the stories about Isis! One small point - why did you capitalize god? I was thinking polytheistic gods were usually miniscule, and monotheistic ones were majuscule.
I also like your changes to the story from Congo, as when I read it I thought it rather unfair that he chose a favorite wife. Alora's writing seemed rougher than your other stories, but I am assuming that was on purpose. The pictures for all your stories are lovely, but I particularly enjoyed the ones for this one, as they really helped set the stage.
Hi Sarah! I really liked your version of the Blacksmith's story. WHen I read the original story, it was a little obnoxious how the blacksmith was never happy with any of his positions. Changing his story to make him grateful makes the story a lot more enjoyable. I also like how you gave the woman a larger role in the story. Your story Isis and the secret name is so good. I really loved it and you did a great job combining two stories to give the perspective you wanted! I also like how the you made it more moder. I mean, the setting was the same, but the dialogue was more modern. This suited the story very well. I also like how the story ended. Will there be another one? In your last story, I love how it is in a journal/diary form. This really adds to the story. All of your stories are so good! I cannot wait to see how the project looks done! Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI just read your story “The Man, The Moon” and I loved it! I really liked the changes you made from the original as outlined in your author’s note. I think making the woman and the blacksmith work together to find something that suited him was a nice interpretation because it is a good metaphor for life. As the blacksmith went through his life he wanted to try different things and some of those things did not suit him but he still took something away from that experience and learned something from it. I also liked that the old woman had compassion and wanted to help him find his “true calling” and she wasn’t just turning him in to different things as a way to punish him for being ungrateful. It was also refreshing that the blacksmith was grateful for all of his different experiences even though he really did not like some of them. In the end, all of his life experiences came together to put him onto the path of his true calling. Great job!
Hey Sarah! I really like "The Man, the Moon" I also read the story and was bothered by the same things you said in your Author's note. I didn't see any typos or inconsistencies. It was great! I also like how you were able to make Isis into a strong dynamic character in "Isis and the Secret Name." It's a good story, and the only comment I have is that the dialogue that Ra says feels very formal for someone who is dying in agony. Finally, in "Alora's Journal" I love that you chose the girls names to emphasize their talents and made the story about them instead of about a man. I didn't see anything wrong with it! I do think it would be cool, if you are still revising this last one, if we got to learn more about the monsters that captured Artemis. I’m assuming they’re spiders, but is there anything more to them than that?
ReplyDeleteThese are awesome!
Hey Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI really love all your pieces you have chosen for your project. I really enjoyed the piece called “Alora’s Journal”. I felt like it was personal and really drew the reader in. I think that by breaking it up and making it a journal entry, the reader is able to break down the piece better and get all the information and details that are offered. I think the picture you chose was so beautiful ad really helped bring the story to life. I think clearing up your authors note could be a little more useful to help the reader understand the original story a bit better. You did great at the beginning but then toward the end I was struggling to connect all the pieces. Overall you did a great job and I am excited to read more throughout the rest of the semester. Keep writing as much as you can!
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI was enamored by all your pieces, but I have to say, your story about Isis is the one that really drew me in! I'm a big fan of mythology, especially Greek and Egyptian, so it was nice to see someone write about the topic!
Here are my comments:
- I really like the fact that you chose to write the story from the POV of Isis, as it connects the reader to the narrator and provides a personal connection to the protagonist.
- The dialogue was good, and believable for the characters and the time period that the story was set. However, Ra's dialogue seems a little too formal for someone who is supposed to be dying.
- I wish there was a little bit more description, though I know this is hard with the word constraint.
Great job on the other stories as well! I look forward to coming back to this Storybook at the end of the semester to see the completed product!
Hi Sarah! The way you set up your portfolio is great! It was so easy to navigate! I also liked the pictures and backgrounds you used for each story because they fit the story really well.
ReplyDeleteYour version of "The Man in the Moon" is probably my favorite version of the story. It always bugged me that the man was left as the moon even though he wasn't happy with it. I liked how the woman and him worked together to find the man just the right place in the world for him. The changes you made, made this story feel like a real myth to me.
I also read the Egyptian gods and goddesses unit and again I think the changes you made were great! I liked that you gave Isis an actual motive for getting the secret name. I also liked how you told the love story between her and Osiris from her point of view.
Great job!
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ReplyDeleteHi Sarah! First, I like the pictures and colors you've chosen for your Storybook. Each page is well-suited for the story it contains, which makes the Storybook fun to look at.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed "Isis and the Secret Name." You did a good job keeping the plot moving while also describing Isis's emotions and thoughts. I like reading stories that combine multiple source stories, and you did a great job with this one! I was really impressed by the way that you were able to imagine one story as motivation for the other. That is really creative and satisfying for the reader.
I also liked "This Is Ever After." You did a nice job reminding us that we were reading a fairytale by including many interactions between the two parents and their daughter. I did get a bit confused when the husband joined in, describing the man on the horse as very handsome. There were quotation marks at the end of that sentence, but not at the beginning, so I wasn't sure where the speaker changed from Ella to August. So, maybe you could add quotation marks and make a new paragraph where he speaks.
I really enjoyed reading your stories!
Hi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI read your Portfolio about two weeks ago but luckily you have a new story for me to read! This is Ever After was super cute and reminded me of something from Disney. Actually what it really reminded me of was this animated movie that came out a while ago called "Happily N'ever After" that was based on Cinderella. Except she marries a commoner in that movie not a prince and there are a few other differences. I loved the dialogue between the family and the little interjections made throughout the story. It was a little confusing to tell when August was the narrator and when it was Ella. It would have also been nice to maybe have the story in italics just to differentiate when it was the regular story and when it was the story being told to Amelia. Other than that it was a really nice and easy read! Great job and congrats on finishing your Portfolio!
Hey Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your portfolio and I loved "This Is Ever After". It reminded me of an original fairy tale that we would of heard growing up as kids. I loved the fact that you made it to where a mom was telling her daughter a bed time story. It just added a different element to the whole thing that really made it interesting to read. I got a bit confused when you mentioned that the husband was telling the story at one point. I didn't understand who was telling the story then but that for me is the only thing you needed to change up. Im glad you are done with your portfolio and hope you had a good semester!